Hey, look at how far I’ve gone.

From being a cheerful person to an emo person to a low self-esteem wreck to a slightly better wreck to a not that bad kind of person.

Maybe I’m like a guy, I mature too slow because I’ve now only realized how important education really is. True that I’ve been regretting the time before O levels. The time I’ve wasted just to play around and how assured I was that I work better under pressure. As well as how I always pass even if it’s not a distinction. I really do regret it. I could have studied and gotten a better grade. I could have done a good job during my secondary school years and get a proper result and testimonial. Not this measly lousy 3 papers filled with lies and stamped with the word ‘lazy’ all over it.

Alas, I can’t turn back time. Because if I can, trust me, I would. So all I can really do now is just accept that I wasted my youth doing stuff that isn’t even that cool to begin with.

When was playing an online game and using real money for that game ever cool?

When was tying your hair into a ponytail and using a headband to put every part of your hair in place ever that cool? Well, maybe to some it did. For me it didn’t. I swear.

Anyway, back to the point.

So now I’ve come to the point in my life where it’s probably the last semester of my poly life. Probably the last time I might be in a school, as a full-time student. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to save up enough to go to university but I do have 2 universities in mind. They’re both overseas. I’m not going to leave that part of my life to fate though. I’m going to save up for that university, I’m just not sure if I’ll make it in time. I have big plans for my 20s. I don’t want to regret anything anymore.

Given this new opportunity, I can try to turn things around right?

The people I’ve not been in good terms with and are now in the same class as me, I’ll try to be more myself and if we click, we click. If we don’t, I really don’t want to go crying about it. I have good friends now. Especially a very good best friend to the point that if it was possible, I’d say we’re related. 

I’ll do my best for my modules this semester to try and raise my GPA a little bit. So at least I won’t have that much of a regret over that anymore. Which I currently do because I’ve let it decrease knowingly. 

I’m going to miss being a student though. It’s when I started working 2 jobs and/more that I realized how tough it really is to make it out there in life.

I used to think that I can just be a staff in a f&b company and I’ll be solved for the rest of my life. How wrong was I? I can’t even pay my own mobile phone bill properly with the 2 jobs I have.

I’m really thankful that my parents didn’t force us into a position where we have to grow up really fast. Although I know they were disappointed a lot in me, at least now they know that I really am working hard. That I really try to understand the situation no matter how ‘bratty’ I was back then. Yes, granted that I’m not really THAT mature now. Yes, granted that I still do have anger management. But I’m really really thankful that they were that distant from me. Even though it sometimes hurts me but I have to accept them for them as well, as they do to me. I think if they didn’t give me that much freedom, I’d probably grow out to be a different kind of person.

Although I complain a lot about how I hate myself, I still like the fact that I do have my own personality. I kind of just need to be assured from time to time. Yes, I’m insecure. So?

Although I regret a lot of things in my life, I’m actually glad my life is this way. I think if it didn’t turn out this way, I wouldn’t have been trying so hard to be financially independent, I would probably be a mean, bratty bitch, I wouldn’t be friends with the awesome people I know now, I wouldn’t be me.

I’d probably still be trying to be someone that isn’t me, just so I could fit in and try to be liked by everyone.

I guess in a way, my poly life also made me learn a lot. So as much as I do regret being in this school, not being in a course I do very excellent in, I think this school is rather okay. I didn’t think I’d actually survive the 3 years, I thought I would have been expelled after a few semesters due to the absentees. How lucky!

Category: Good 'ol past, happy thoughts!, sigh